When we think of what we do to relax, we tend to think of activities such as TV, baking, exercising, and more. While those are all identified by the general public as relaxation, oftentimes when mental health professionals refer to relaxation, we are discussing nervous system regulation.

The mind-body connection is real.

When our mind is stressed, our body is stressed and the opposite is also true, when our body is giving off stress signals, our mind begins to feel stressed as well. Furthermore, by engaging in nervous system relaxation, we can help our mind and body feel more relaxed. This can be a great wellness “hack” because if you are not able to get your mind to calm down, you can work to get your body to relax which will in turn help your mind to relax.

Let’s dive into a brief overview of human anatomy to better understand why nervous relaxation is so important.

Relaxing, as in nervous system relaxation, is finding ways to tap into the parasympathetic nervous system. Our body has a complex system of nerves and cells that work together to send messages throughout the body. The nervous system can be broken down into two sides: the central nervous system and the peripheral nervous system. Within the peripheral nervous system, there is the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary body processes like heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, and digestion. The autonomic nervous system contains three parts, the sympathetic, parasympathetic, and enteric nervous systems. You may know the sympathetic nervous system as the “fight or flight response.” The opposite of fight or flight is relaxation and restoration, which is the parasympathetic nervous system.

Being able to truly relax has many benefits including restorative sleep, decreased inflammation, as well as better memory, auditory processing, learning, sensory processing, and more.

A large amount of people spend more time in fight or flight mode in their day-to-day life than not. When you are driving in traffic and notice you are clenching your jaw, or you end the day with neck pain because your shoulders were tense all day, or maybe you found yourself overthinking all day, you are engaging your sympathetic nervous system.

When we are stressed, our bodies tend to have more muscle tension, our blood goes towards the center of our bodies leaving our fingers and toes colder, we sweat more, our heart rate gets faster, and our breathing gets more shallow. Each person tends to experience stress differently, but we all have the same basic body responses to stress. By engaging in true relaxation, via nervous system regulation, you are allowing yourself to engage your parasympathetic nervous system (i.e., relaxation and restoration), which benefits you in so many ways.

There are a few different ways we can tap into our parasympathetic nervous system. Practicing present focus without judgment, otherwise known as mindfulness, is a great way to regulate your nervous system.

Mindfulness can look like many different things. It can mean something more formal like listening to a guided body scan meditation that leads you to breathe more slowly and deeply while releasing muscle tension. It can also be more informal like sitting outside and noticing the feeling of the temperature of the air on your skin, the smell of the leaves, the sounds around you, and the taste of your tea in the morning. Both of these experiences can help you tap into your relaxation and restoration mode because they are slowing you down. By slowing down and taking ourselves out of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we can better notice the ways our body and mind are experiencing stress and tailor our relaxation to them.

When learning to truly relax, there are a few “entry points”.

Two of the easier ways to tap into your parasympathetic nervous system are through breathing and muscle tension. There are a few ways you can modify your breathing to get out of fight or flight mode. The first is through slowing your breathing. You can use an online breath pacer to help you, like this one.

It is a great tool that allows you to change the timing of the visual pacer to fit your needs. You want to practice breathing slower and deeper, but not so slow that it makes you feel more tense. With trial and error, you can find the right pace for you.

Another way to adjust your breathing, to tap into the parasympathetic nervous system, is by breathing through your diaphragm rather than your upper chest.

To practice diaphragmatic breathing, lay on your back while wearing loose clothing and place a book on your stomach (not too heavy!). Focus on what parts of your body are moving when you breathe naturally, is the book moving upwards as you inhale and down as you exhale? If not, see if you can focus on trying to move the book, rather than your chest with each breath. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but it is something that takes practice to feel natural. You are not expected to breathe this way all day but practicing it, periodically, throughout the day and in times of stress will help your body relax, which in turn helps your mind relax.

Additionally, you can tap into your parasympathetic nervous system by releasing muscle tension.

You can do this through something called a body scan or progressive muscle relaxation. To use these techniques, you can use apps like InsightTimer or videos on youtube to hear guided practices that will teach you how to release your muscle tension and become more aware of it.

These are both skills that take time to learn and feel natural. Just like you would not expect yourself to feel natural on your first day learning to ice skate, you will not feel like a professional at these types of relaxation techniques at first either. If you find yourself struggling to relax in these ways on your own but think it could be beneficial, mention it to your therapist if you have one. If not, you can also find a biofeedback provider who can use electronic tools to help you gain better awareness of your body’s response to stress which helps these relaxation techniques become even more effective.

You can find a provider near you through https://www.bcia.org/consumers-find-a-practitioner or you can contact our front desk to try heart rate variability biofeedback at Orchard Mental Health Group.

So continue to enjoy your hobbies and try and incorporate some true relaxation into your days, the benefits are well worth it!

What do you want your life to be about? That is the question we are focusing on when we talk about values.

As defined by Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, otherwise known as ACT, values are the desired qualities of ongoing action (Harris, 2009). Values are what makes life meaningful and our values can motivate and help us make choices.

Values, as I mean here, are not “goals”, instead they are guiding principles.

For example, you may say you value getting an education but in this context, getting an education is considered a goal because it is achievable. Instead, the value at play for wanting to get an education may be curiosity, self-development, skillfulness, or something else. As you can see, curiosity is not a tangible goal, it is a concept or a way of being.

To know how to make decisions based on our values, we first have to know what our values are. Ask yourself, “What do I hope someone will say about me and how I lived my life by the time I turn 80?” This question is adapted from the 80th birthday exercise in Dr. Russ Harris’ book, The Happiness Trap.

There are no right or wrong answers to this question, so go with your gut.

After you have thought of what you would most want someone to say about you, reflect on your answer. As you do this, I want you to think about what values are behind what you hope someone will say. For example, maybe you hope someone would say, “I always had fun around (your name)! They were always making me laugh and up for an adventure”, in that case, we can see that being adventurous and having fun is important to you. Another example could be, “(your name) was always there when I needed them, they were a shoulder to cry on and I always knew they would give me honest feedback”. In this example, I would say that honesty, authenticity, dependability, and caring for others are important to you.

As you consider your answer, try and identify five or six values that feel the most important and authentic to you.

So now you may have an idea of your values, but how does that help with anything?

There are many ways in which knowing your values can help you. The main way being how your values can guide your decisions. Most decisions are not black and white. We encounter all sorts of gray areas each day and are left with “What do I do?”. In those circumstances, it is good to know our values because when we know what really matters to us, it can help us find clarity in the gray area. Here are a few examples:

Here’s an example scenario. Perhaps you’re unsure if you should tell a friend that you are not comfortable with the jokes they make about other people.

First, you must decide what is most important to you. Then, you must decide if telling your friend would be in line with your values. Would not telling them be opposing your values? If your values are honesty and openness, then telling them would be in line with your values. If you value maintaining close friendships, telling them would be in line with your values because that closeness relies on authenticity; however you do not tell them how you feel, you may even begin avoiding your friend because you do not want to have to hear the mean jokes which would move you further away from your value of friendship.

Similarly, perhaps your job is not understanding of work/life balance and you want to go to your child’s soccer game, but know that you may get a comment the next day if you do not work extra hours that evening.

Alternatively, maybe you expect to receive an even more disrupting consequence. If you do not go to your child’s soccer game, you will likely avoid a comment from your boss or coworkers and in turn experience less short-term anxiety. However, if being a present parent is one of your values, the choice to work late to avoid commentary or backlash is moving you away from what really matters to you.

Essentially, by knowing what is most important to you, you can understand why you are willing to cope with the uncomfortable consequences. Dealing with comments and backlash is worth being able to see your child play soccer and for your child to remember how their mom/dad was there for their games as a kid. You can use your value of being a present parent as a guiding principle.

It doesn’t make choices easy, but it helps you know why you are choosing to experience discomfort because you are choosing what is meaningful to you.

Oftentimes, even if something is very difficult to do, but it is in line with our values, we will feel fulfilled after making the choice.

There are lots of ways that knowing your values can help you make life more meaningful. With each choice you make, ask yourself, is this in line with my values or not. Each choice we make influences the kind of life we live. To help yourself feel more purposeful in life and to feel more satisfied with your day to day, consider what your values are and how you can use them.

References

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter Books.

Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.