Every person has a to-do list.

In the month of August some of my to-do list includes bringing in my dogs for their annual vaccines and check up, getting my car inspected, getting a haircut, calling my home insurance company to ask a question.

A typical to-do list consists of things like going grocery shopping as needed, keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and more. On the surface, this may seem like a few tasks to do, but in reality there are different phases of each of these tasks, known as 1) the planning phase and 2) the execution phase. The planning phase is the invisible labor of the task. The invisible labor of tasks adds up and creates the mental load. The execution phase is the physical act of completing the task.

For example the planning phase of grocery shopping includes planning meals for the week, making a list of grocery items needed, checking the refrigerator and pantry for what is low, asking family members what snacks they would like from the store, checking expiration dates on items, and budgeting for the grocery shop trip. Whereas, the execution phase of grocery shopping is the shopping itself, loading and unloading groceries and putting them in the pantry and fridge.

Oftentimes someone may offer help by going to the store and grabbing groceries for you, but in reality it only helps with part of the task and is usually the easier part of the task. You still need to do all of the planning phase of the grocery shop and will likely have to answer texts and calls while the person is at the store to answer questions they have. While the person offering to go to the store is trying to be helpful, it may not be as helpful as we think it is. To fully take a task off of someone else’s plate, the person needs to do the task from start to finish, including the invisible labor/planning phase.

Has the above example or something similar happened to you?

You are grateful for the help, but are left still feeling overworked and overwhelmed. This is likely because you are in charge of the mental load of the majority of household tasks.

Your partner may go to the store to pick up groceries, drive your car to get an inspection, and take your kids to summer camp, but you are the one to plan the entire grocery shop, keep track of when car inspections are due, research the best place to take your car, make the phone call to schedule the appointment, research summer camps, tell your partner where the summer camp is, ensure that you planned snacks and outfits appropriate for the weather for that day at camp, and filled out the forms that your partner needs to drop off when he picks the kids up.

The book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much To Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky discusses the mental load and how it can affect mental health and relationships. She also has cards that a couple can use to help divide tasks in a fair way because each person is in charge of a task from start to finish, including both the planning and the execution.

It can be overwhelming to be in charge of the mental load and not get credit for it because people only see the execution phase.

Did your partner grill an amazing dinner for your neighbors this weekend? Amazing! And you may have been the one to plan/execute grocery shopping, ask the neighbors for any dietary restrictions, look up the recipe for the dry rub your partner used on the steaks. You also may have been the one to research the best grill to get when you first bought the house. While people may not know the things that you did because it is the invisible labor of the task, you have still done an amazing job.

By splitting up tasks fully so that one person is doing both the planning and the execution, it can help each person feel more appreciated for their hard work.

Additionally, it can help the mental load be split amongst each other, rather than it falling on one person. Oftentimes, when the mental load is primarily on one person, they can experience anxiety and feel overwhelmed. When you are used to being the one to have to mentally keep track of everything you can become accustomed to feeling more anxiety because your brain is always working overtime. If you do not have anything to do, you may feel anxious because there is usually always something to do. This may look like you having trouble sitting down on your couch and relaxing because you are trying to remember to remind your partner that he is in charge of bringing the dog to the vet tomorrow and you need to tell him which vaccines they are due for.

Relationships thrive when there is a healthy separation of tasks because it helps both partners take better care of their mental health, leads to more appreciation and recognition, and it helps both partners feel mutually supported.

If you are interested in learning more about the mental load and invisible labor, read Eve Rodsky’s book mentioned above or watch the documentary Fair Play based on her work. If you and your partner want to work on dividing the load more evenly but are having trouble figuring out how to do so, reach out to a couples therapist or talk with an individual therapist about this goal. Our therapists at OMHG can help you identify ways to manage tasks in a healthier way for both you and your partner.

Read our blog: The Impact of Strong Communication in a Marriage…

Practicing effective communication skills with a therapist offers a supportive environment to develop and refine how you express yourself.

Most of us know/love someone who struggles with anxiety or depression.

It can be confusing to know what we can do or say that will help them in times of need. Here are some ideas of how you can show your support to your loved one.

Idea #1: Validation

While you may not completely understand why someone is depressed or exhibiting anxiety, you can still validate their concerns. Oftentimes, the worries may not seem logical to you, but to your person, it makes perfect sense in their head. Basically, each person has their own “stuff,” which means each person perceives things differently. That being said, you can help by validating your loved one by first acknowledging to yourself that this anxiety/sadness makes sense given their contextual outlook on life and personal history.

Phrases like “I know this is really hard,” “Your feelings are valid,” “I can see you are anxious, I am here for you,” can really help your loved one. Oftentimes, we want to jump into “fixing mode” when we see someone we love in distress; however, by being an active listener and validating their experience, you can still make a positive impact.

Idea #2: Menu of Ideas

Asking, “how can I help?” can be a great way to communicate with someone experiencing anxiety and depression, but oftentimes the answers are, “I don’t know,” or they are deeply anxious/depressed they cannot come up with a response at all. When someone is anxious, their nervous system is in SOS mode. Due to this, logical and clear thinking gets overridden; therefore, it can be hard for the person to know what helps or to communicate what could help.

If you love someone who has anxiety or depression, it can be a great idea to come up with a “menu of ideas” for when they are anxious or in a depressive episode, BEFORE they are experiencing high anxiety or severe depression. Essentially, at a time when they are not anxious/depressed, ask them what tends to help and what they like or dislike when they are feeling this way. At first they may have a difficult time coming up with this, but with more communication you can come up with a list of items to add to a menu.

This menu can be simple, like 3-4 things that usually help with anxiety or sadness. Or it can be more complex by breaking it down into categories such as 1. Physical/Sensory comforts 2. Words/Phrases that help 3. Prompts for coping skills 4. Care task help.

For example a menu for Jane could be:

1. Use weighted blanket
2. Sit outside for fresh air
3. Do a guided meditation
4. Hug or cuddle
5. Watch a funny movie

An example menu for Michael could be:

1. Physical Sensory Comforts:
   • Weighted blanket
   • Lights off
   • Changing into comfy clothes
   • Lighting a scented candle
2. Words/Phrases That Help:
   • “I am here with you”
   • “We don’t need to be doing anything for me to still want to hang out with you”
   • “Your feelings are valid”
   • “I want to hear and listen to what you are worried about”
3. Prompts for Coping Skills
   • “I can see you are anxious, would you like me to play your favorite guided meditation”
   • “I notice you seem stressed, would you like to go for a walk”
   • “It seems like you are feeling some anxiety about this, do you want to practice noticing 5 things we see, 4 things we hear, 3 things we feel, 2 things we smell, and 1 thing we taste?”
4. Care Task Help
   • When Michael is anxious for a period of time he tends to not make himself meals, so you could offer to make him a meal or pick up his favorite one. You two can discuss what meals are good go-tos in times of stress when creating the menu.
   • When Michael is in a depressive episode, his room and apartment get messy because he does not have the energy to upkeep it. You can help him take out the trash or do a load of laundry.
   • When Michael is depressed or anxious, he gets overstimulated by his dog’s energy. You could offer to take his dog for a walk or to the park to expend some energy.

There are no right or wrong ways to create this menu, and it can change over time!

By creating this menu, two things happen. First, you know what helps sometimes and can offer specific help during times of stress. Then, it can be easier for the person to answer a close ended question such as, “Do you want me to get your weighted blanket?” instead of an open ended question like, “What can I do to help?”.

Idea # 3: Checking In & Staying Connected.

You can show your ongoing support for the person by consistently checking in. They may not want to talk about how they are doing but you asking still shows that you care. You might be worried that asking about their anxiety or depression will remind them of their current struggles; however, people do not forget that they struggle in these areas. Thus, you bringing it up will not “remind them.” Even if the person seems to be doing okay, it can be good to directly ask, “how has your anxiety/depression been lately?” Contrastingly, we often use the phrase “How are you?” as a polite courtesy, so it may not feel like a true invitation to share how they are feeling. You do not need to push them into talking about it, but it is still good to ask.

Similarly, even if your person has turned down plans 6 out of 7 times, it is still good to invite them. While you may know they are not up for an outing at the moment, it can still mean a lot to be invited. You can also offer low stakes plans, like watching a movie at their place, or just sitting together and splitting a pizza.

Idea # 4: Have Your Own Support System

Loving someone who is struggling can be hard. Make sure you have your own support system and are taking good care of yourself. As flight attendants always say, “put your oxygen mask on before helping others,” because you cannot help others if you are not helping yourself.

Supporting someone with depression and/or anxiety can be complex and these are just some suggestions on how to help your loved one. If you are looking for more support or suggestions, please reach out to set up an appointment with one of our therapists at OMHG.