So what is really going on in the therapeutic relationship?

There are a few parts of this relationship that are important to understand.

First, your therapist genuinely cares about you.

As therapists we often hear clients worry that we do not really care about them and that we care because we are getting paid. It’s understandable why clients feel that way, because the fact is we are getting paid.

Therapy is a bit strange in that it’s a deeply personal experience with another person while also being a business transaction. However, therapists really do care about their clients. We are paid because this is how we support ourselves and make a living. Still, we would not choose this occupation if we did not genuinely care about others. You are building a relationship with your therapist and they are building a relationship with you. As a therapist, I deeply care for my clients and want the best for them. That genuine feeling of care is a main component of the therapeutic relationship.

Second, a healthy therapeutic relationship involves boundaries.

Boundaries in this relationship are to protect the client in many ways. It may seem strange that your therapist knows everything about you, but you know little to nothing about them. There is a reason for that. Therapy is typically the one space people have that is solely focused on themselves. There are very few times in someone’s life that they do something truly only for themselves and the time is only about them. Boundaries are important to help maintain therapy as that type of space and protect that time for you, the client.

If your therapist discussed their issues as well, like a friend or family member would, that space becomes clouded with another person’s needs. That being said, your therapist may share some personal information, we call this “self-disclosure”, when it’s relevant and may be helpful to the therapeutic relationship. Therapists are mindful about what they share and how it may impact the relationship.

Boundaries also include not having a dual relationship, which means having multiple roles within the relationship. For example, I cannot be both your therapist and your child’s volleyball coach. If I do not play your child in the final game, you may have an emotional response to that which would impact our relationship in therapy and take away from the work we are doing in therapy. There are many ways a dual relationship can negatively impact therapy and the client.

Third, therapists are human and make mistakes.

Mistakes range from harmless to harmful. A mistake could be something as simple as misremembering your aunt’s name to saying something harmful without the intent to do so (this does not include obviously harmful things). The important thing is to remember that when your therapist makes a mistake, it does not mean they do not care about you and are not taking the time seriously. Also, it’s important that after making the mistake, your therapist can recognize the mistake and talk it through with you if needed or do their own self work to address the issue outside of the therapy space.

That being said, there are some mistakes a therapist can make that really negatively impact the client. Communication is key in these moments because the therapist may not realize it is harmful. Communication allows for the therapist to work on self reflection and doing better once they know. However, if you feel like your therapist is not well educated in pieces of your identity such as race, sexual orientation, gender, or something else and it is harming you as the client through microaggressions, you have the autonomy to either discuss this with them or find a therapist who is a better fit. If you find yourself feeling harmed in the relationship often due to a lack of knowledge and/or willingness to work on their own biases, then it’s important to find a therapist who is a better fit for you.

Fourth, communication is key.

The therapeutic relationship is based on communication. If you are finding therapy not useful, it’s important to bring this up to your therapist because they can switch things up or revisit your goals to help them better understand. If you are feeling judged by your therapist or are nervous to be honest with them about something then let them know that. Perhaps you are upset about something that happened in a previous session. While it can be hard to communicate this, it can help your therapeutic relationship get even stronger and allow you to meet your goals. Communication is essential to any healthy relationship and that includes your relationship with your therapist. These conversations help deepen the relationship and make therapy even more effective.

Lastly, the therapeutic relationship is a healing experience.

Having a positive relationship with your therapist can help you understand what healthy relationships look like, what it feels like to be cared for, and help you realize that you deserve to be listened to and cared about.

I myself have been both a therapist in these relationships and also a client in these relationships. They are quite different from each angle but hold the same truths. I hope you have a positive healthy relationship with your therapist. If you are not in therapy yet or hope to have a better connection with a therapist you can contact us at OMHG to set up an initial appointment with one of our therapists.

Are you interested in speaking with a therapist?

Single session therapy is an excellent way to dip your toes into the world of therapy and see if it’s right for you. In just one focused session, you can address a specific concern, gain valuable insights, and explore strategies to move forward. It’s a low-commitment opportunity to experience how a therapist can support you, offering a glimpse into the benefits of professional guidance. Whether you’re unsure about ongoing therapy or simply need help with one issue, a single session can provide clarity and direction.

Orchard Mental Health Group is a large Maryland-based private practice with offices in Rockville, MD and Frederick, MD, providing affordable, accessible, research-informed counseling, assessment, and medication management services to children, adolescents, and adults.

Every person has a to-do list.

In the month of August some of my to-do list includes bringing in my dogs for their annual vaccines and check up, getting my car inspected, getting a haircut, calling my home insurance company to ask a question.

A typical to-do list consists of things like going grocery shopping as needed, keeping the house clean, doing laundry, and more. On the surface, this may seem like a few tasks to do, but in reality there are different phases of each of these tasks, known as 1) the planning phase and 2) the execution phase. The planning phase is the invisible labor of the task. The invisible labor of tasks adds up and creates the mental load. The execution phase is the physical act of completing the task.

For example the planning phase of grocery shopping includes planning meals for the week, making a list of grocery items needed, checking the refrigerator and pantry for what is low, asking family members what snacks they would like from the store, checking expiration dates on items, and budgeting for the grocery shop trip. Whereas, the execution phase of grocery shopping is the shopping itself, loading and unloading groceries and putting them in the pantry and fridge.

Oftentimes someone may offer help by going to the store and grabbing groceries for you, but in reality it only helps with part of the task and is usually the easier part of the task. You still need to do all of the planning phase of the grocery shop and will likely have to answer texts and calls while the person is at the store to answer questions they have. While the person offering to go to the store is trying to be helpful, it may not be as helpful as we think it is. To fully take a task off of someone else’s plate, the person needs to do the task from start to finish, including the invisible labor/planning phase.

Has the above example or something similar happened to you?

You are grateful for the help, but are left still feeling overworked and overwhelmed. This is likely because you are in charge of the mental load of the majority of household tasks.

Your partner may go to the store to pick up groceries, drive your car to get an inspection, and take your kids to summer camp, but you are the one to plan the entire grocery shop, keep track of when car inspections are due, research the best place to take your car, make the phone call to schedule the appointment, research summer camps, tell your partner where the summer camp is, ensure that you planned snacks and outfits appropriate for the weather for that day at camp, and filled out the forms that your partner needs to drop off when he picks the kids up.

The book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much To Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky discusses the mental load and how it can affect mental health and relationships. She also has cards that a couple can use to help divide tasks in a fair way because each person is in charge of a task from start to finish, including both the planning and the execution.

It can be overwhelming to be in charge of the mental load and not get credit for it because people only see the execution phase.

Did your partner grill an amazing dinner for your neighbors this weekend? Amazing! And you may have been the one to plan/execute grocery shopping, ask the neighbors for any dietary restrictions, look up the recipe for the dry rub your partner used on the steaks. You also may have been the one to research the best grill to get when you first bought the house. While people may not know the things that you did because it is the invisible labor of the task, you have still done an amazing job.

By splitting up tasks fully so that one person is doing both the planning and the execution, it can help each person feel more appreciated for their hard work.

Additionally, it can help the mental load be split amongst each other, rather than it falling on one person. Oftentimes, when the mental load is primarily on one person, they can experience anxiety and feel overwhelmed. When you are used to being the one to have to mentally keep track of everything you can become accustomed to feeling more anxiety because your brain is always working overtime. If you do not have anything to do, you may feel anxious because there is usually always something to do. This may look like you having trouble sitting down on your couch and relaxing because you are trying to remember to remind your partner that he is in charge of bringing the dog to the vet tomorrow and you need to tell him which vaccines they are due for.

Relationships thrive when there is a healthy separation of tasks because it helps both partners take better care of their mental health, leads to more appreciation and recognition, and it helps both partners feel mutually supported.

If you are interested in learning more about the mental load and invisible labor, read Eve Rodsky’s book mentioned above or watch the documentary Fair Play based on her work. If you and your partner want to work on dividing the load more evenly but are having trouble figuring out how to do so, reach out to a couples therapist or talk with an individual therapist about this goal. Our therapists at OMHG can help you identify ways to manage tasks in a healthier way for both you and your partner.

Read our blog: The Impact of Strong Communication in a Marriage…

Practicing effective communication skills with a therapist offers a supportive environment to develop and refine how you express yourself.